Computers, Me, Myself and I

Written By Galen White

For those of you who do not own a computer, don’t buy one. Why? Because once you learn to use one, it becomes a necessity and you cannot live without it. If I’m lyin’, I’m dyin’! Just ask someone who owns one and they will tell you the same thing. Or, go ahead and buy one and see for yourself. Then I can tell ya, “I told you so!”

Now, I had been debatin’ with myself for quite some time whether or not I needed to buy a new one. Well, I lost the argument…., or, maybe it was myself who lost. I can’t remember which one of us was for it and which one was agin’ it. Regardless, one of us lost and now I’ve got a new computer at home.

My last computer was around nine or ten years old’, that’s like 135 in computer years, you know. It was older’n old; it was anciently ancient…., almost as old as I am when compared to human years. It worked kinda like me, too – had two speeds – slow and slower! It went to sleep when it shouldn’t have, wouldn’t sleep when it should have, and was subject to viruses. As least in my case, I can take some kinda medicine for my viruses! Haven’t found anything to help my slowness and sleep quirkiness, though.

There are a few things I think you need to know if you are considering the purchase of a new computer. You see, one hundred and thirty-five computer years ago, a computer came already loaded with usable software.

Now, before you begin making comparisons between computers and me, there’s a whole bunch of difference in me bein’ loaded and a computer bein’ loaded. In addition, my software consists of 100% cotton and is manufactured by Fruit of the Loom and Haynes. I ain’t got a clue of what computer software is made of, but a company called Microsoft makes some of it. With a name like that and at my age, it makes me wish Microsoft made my cotton software, as well! Anyway, I do know that computer software programs are design to perform specific operations such as letter writing and spreadsheets.

Okay, now there’s another term that can be confusin’; spreadsheets. My mom spreadsheets on my bed when I was a kid, and now I do it. But it ain’t the same kinda spreadsheets. A computer spreadsheet is mathematical software which computes number calculations. And don’t ask me how or exactly what that means; I just know that the program will add, subtract, multiply, and divide, amongst other things (which just happens to be the same stuff my teachers tried to teach me back at good ol’ Athens High School….., for me, it’s a good thing someone invented computer spreadsheets!)

Anyway, the computers you order today have nothin’ but the operating system installed. That’s what makes a computer turn on and off, but it has nothing to do with spreadsheets, software, or internet surfin’. Of course, software is no good without an operating system and an operating system needs software programs. The point is that each and every software program needed to perform actions you want must be purchased separately today.

There are so many different, yet similar, software programs out there that you almost have to know what you have to have to have what you have to have. And if you understand that line, you will have no trouble understandin’ computer lingo.

I made the brave decision that I could install anything I wanted on my new system, as well as transfer files from my old unit to the new one. That decision may have been brave, but it weren’t too smart! Oh, I managed to get things done, but it took three days and a bunch of hair loss to accomplish!

I made the remark not too long ago that the hair I have left which is not turnin’ white, it is turnin’ loose! Well, I can add that, whatever is left ain’t ’cause I didn’t try to pull it out durin’ those three day of computin’!

The company I purchased the computer from offered to do all that work, but for another several hundred dollars. The problem was that I didn’t have another several hundred dollars. In fact, I didn’t have another several dollars, much less several hundred. However, I believe now that it would have been money well spent had I taken ’em up on their offer.

Regardless, me and my new computer are “computin” away. Of course and on a personal note, my software may have a hole in ’em, and I may be gettin’ slower ‘n slower…., even to the point I may need replacin’ myself. I’d probably be better off had I replaced myself earlier ’cause I lost the argument in the first place…., or did myself lose?

You know, a computer can do a lotta things, but it don’t help one gigabyte when arguing with yourself.

 

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Galen WhiteGalen White has written articles for several papers in North Louisiana and is now retired.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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