Written By Galen White

Gather ’round folks ’cause I been doin’ some thinkin’ and have come up with somethin’ that I’ll bet you ain’t thought about. Let me ‘splain it to ya.

When I mention “rich folks”, who do you think of? Oil tycoons? Wall Street brokers? Spoiled professional athletes? Well, you’d be right. Now back up about a hundred to two hundred years or so and who comes to mind? Is it plantation owners and railroad barons? Well, you’d be right again. Now go further back than that and you might think of Roman emperors and Egyptian pharaohs. Of course, you might not think of them, but that’s probably ’cause you just don’t think the way I do….., which may be a good thing for you!

Anyway, would you have thought cavemen were rich? Me neither; ‘specially knowin’ that they lived in a cave, wore animal skins, never shaved, had to hunt and fish for food, and survived by strength and the ability to swing a huge, wooden club accurately. You see, they didn’t have a local Brookshire’s or Taco Bell just down the dinosaur trail. And they didn’t have Visa or Mastercard either. Heck! They didn’t even have money since George Washington hadn’t been born yet, and as a result, they didn’t have a President whose picture could be used. Guess that ‘splains why the only way a caveman could get a date was crownin’ a female over the head with a club and draggin’ her back to the cave castle.

One thing I think we can all agree on is that we believe life was difficult back in Alley Oop’s days. However, a new light is bein’ cast upon just how well off Alley and his clan might really have been. Yes, they lived in a cave, wore skins, didn’t shave, as well as all the other stuff I mentioned. But since it was announced in the news that archaeologists discovered the oldest shoe in the world, my thought of the caveman clan is bein’ altered.

Just in case you don’t pay attention to details like I do, it seems some dud fiddlin’ around in a cave in Armenia found a shoe that is said to be 5,500 years old. The previous oldest shoes were those on Ortiz, the 5300 year old Iceman found frozen in an Austrian glaciers.

Now, those two things right there proves my point about cavemen bein’ rich. Why? Well, far be it from me to brag, but if you thought the way I think, then it’d be as plain as the nose of your face.

First, these guys were from the Armenia area. And if you were as cultured as me, you woulda hear of Armenian suits that sell today for thousands of dollars. And if you can afford an Armenian suit, you know you gotta have the Armenian shoes to go with the suit. So it only stands to reason that …., “scuse me? You say it ain’t Armenian? It’s Armani? Well, so say you. Armeni, Armani, Armadilly! What’s a letter or two in spellin?

Okay, okay. Then if you are right, answer this: The news report said the shoes was encased in a layer of sheep dung. Now, I’m a ol’ country boy, and I’ve stepped in as much cow manure as the next fellow and there just can’t be that much difference in the two. And after steppin’ in it, you know good and well I wanted to leave my shoes or boots behind, but didn’t. The obvious reason I didn’t leave ’em behind was I knew the lickin’ my mom or dad would give me for losin’ a boot would be far worse than the scrapin’ and cleanin’ it’d take to get rid of the cow manure.

Think about it! How in tarnation could a poor, lackin, sorrowful, no-have-anything-but-a-club-and-one-piece-animal skin-suit caveman afford to leave his shoe behind just ’cause he stepped in a pile of sheep dung? Don’t you believe his mom or dad woulda give him a thrashin’ just like mine woulda given me? So if he wasn’t afraid of what his mom or dad would say or do…..musta been rich, I tell ya!

There you have it; ample proof that this caveman, at least, was rich enough to leave his soiled shoe behind just ’cause he stepped in sheep poop.

By the way, do you know what a nincom is? I’ve heard of  ’em all my life…, well, actually I’ve heard of nincompoop all my life, but ain’t never see none. Mentionin’ the sheep poop reminded me so I thought I’d ask you good folks if you’ve ever seen a nincom. Of course, I don’t reckon it’ll make much difference. Since I ain’t rich like Alley Oop, if I step in nincompoop, I’ll have to clean my boots off and keep on truckin’!

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Galen White has written articles for several papers in North Louisiana and is now retired.