Written By Galen White

Now, I’m pretty sure you folks who have money ain’t too gung ho on investin’ in Wall Street. After all, one of our past presidents said the financial situation on Wall Street needed attendin’ to, but the bozos in congress said, “No, everything is fine as frog hair.”

Well, we know the truth now. What jerks a kink in my rope is the current passel of elected officials are sayin’, “We’ve got to address the situation on Wall Street to prevent another catastrophe form occurrin’ ag’in.” Looks to me like had they done their job like we expect them to,  we wouldn’t be in this quagmire.

That brings me to the aim of this here article. If you have money and could stand to make more, then ol’ Galen is here to give you some advice. Now, I know you are askin’ yourself….., well, you’re askin’ ME, what in the name of tarnation gives me the idea that I’ve got good advice? Glad you asked.

Those of you who know me know that I’ve worked all my life, but I don’t drive no Cadillac, don’t live in a mansion, and don’t wear $1500 suits. That’s about to change! For a nominal fee, I’ll tell you how you can make money. And this ain’t one of those scams where you send me five dollars and I tell you to get suckers to send you five bucks.

No, sir. My plans come from experience. I’m so confident, I’ll make you an offer you can’t refuse. If I’m wrong, I’ll give you your money back. Folks, you just ain’t gonna get a better offer’n that! If you don’t believe me, try gettin’ Wall Street to make such a guarantee.

Trust me, folks. If I’m lyin’, Im dyin’! If I tell you it’s Easter, you can go dye your eggs! This is a proven fact, and that’s why I’m askin’ you to promise right here and right now that you ain’t gonna give my secret away once I tell you what it is. You promise?

Okay, here’s my plan. All we gotta do is get folks to buy my tried and proven means of keepin’ elephants outta your yard. That’s right, with my method, elephants will avoid your property like our gov’ment officials are avoidin’ buyin’ in the same healthcare they are shovin’ down our throats. Now, THAT is some serious avoidin’!

Okay, I know some of you are skepticle…., sceptickle…., some of you don’t believe me. But I’ve got proof it works. Just how many elephants have you seen in my yard? In fact, my method works so well I’ll bet dollars to doughnuts you ain’t seen nary a one in any of my neighbor’s yards either.

Am I right? For the small fee of $9.99, plus shippin’ and handlin’, I’ll send you a bottle of elephant repellent. Just spray it around your yard and no more elephants. Call right now and I’ll double your order for free. Two pieces of advice for the price of one!

I know you are askin’ yourself how can I make a fortune at only $9.99 and give out two pieces of advice? Well, I’ll do like the other dudes on TV do; shippin’ and handlin’ is $99.99.

As I said, I’ll give you money back if you ain’t satisfied. That oughta prove I ain’t one of those greedy, make-all-you-can-and-worry-about-legalities-if’n-you get caught type. Of course, shipping’ and handlin’ fees cannot be returned.

Cash, checks, or money orders only. No credit cards or credit. I will, however, consider tradin’ items. So hurry up and be the first on your block to keep wild elephants away from your petunias. Call now. My number is in the book.

 

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Galen White has written articles for several papers in North Louisiana and is now retired.